I think the London Zoo might be on to something. A while back the zoo was in the news for its Homo sapiens exhibit. Eight volunteers were on display so the rest of us could view humankind in its most primitive form – without cable. I’m sure the participants all TiVoed Nip/Tuck, but it still must have been a harrowing three days for those brave pioneers.
Anyone with a penchant for observing a covey of alabaster Brits preening one another on a rocky outcropping got their money’s worth, but patrons longing for a more realistic zoo experience left somewhat unfulfilled. Eventually most people ambled over to the Monkey Pit where it was business as usual: drunken teenagers lobbing circus peanuts at the baboons and then running for cover when the baboons retaliate by throwing poop. That didn’t happen once with the humans. And as everyone knows, it isn’t really a day at the zoo until someone starts throwing poop.
Even though excrement was never hurled, I tip my hat to the zoo personnel for giving it a go. It’s not every day that management utters these words: “Let’s strip Nigel naked and stick him in with the wallabies for a few days.” Hopefully this is just the first of many new displays at the London Zoo, and I intend to do my part by offering up a few suggestions. With or without poop, I think these ideas may get the turnstiles spinning.
Exhibit A: More humans - sort of Left alone in the simulated wilderness of the Micronesian Rainforest Exhibit, how effectively would an ombudsman forage? I don’t know. More importantly, I don’t care. What would the Creature from the Black Lagoon do in the same situation? And what if all he could find to eat was a Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza from Papa John’s? Now there’s something I want to see.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and I think he has quite a bit to teach us about our primordial underpinnings. As an added bonus I’d finally see what happens when someone eats a Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza from Papa John’s. Or maybe not. You’d have to be pretty darn hungry to actually stomach one of those, and the Creature may just jump the barricade and eat the ombudsman instead.
Exhibit B: Reality TV Night at the Penguin Pool It seems like a good idea to get fans of reality television together in one spot where we can keep a close eye on them.
Exhibit C: Celebrity Prison Sentence I certainly agree that celebrities who do the crime must do the time, but why punish their fans for every little indiscretion? Had Martha Stewart been sentenced to amble about the Mixed Grass Prairie Exhibit in her housecoat and ankle tether, just think of the sponsorship dollars. I’m sure Kmart would have been sniffing around this project.
Another spin on Celebrity Prison Sentence would be to build a new exhibit befitting each celebrity, like creating the Nick Nolte Urban Squalor Exhibit. Still another option would be to erect the Robert Downey Jr. exhibit and just fill the space with Tom Sizemore or Winona Ryder whenever Mr. Downey is out on appeal.
Exhibit D: NASCAR Appreciation Day in the Reptile House See Exhibit B. Same reason.
Exhibit E: Battle Sweet Potato What brings a crowd together faster than you can say Thinly Sliced Sea Bream with Smoked Organs? That’s right: Iron Chef. Instead of placing humans in a wilderness setting, animals would be placed in a domestic environment: Kitchen Stadium from Iron Chef. Onlookers could watch species pitted against one another in a cook-off for culinary supremacy. Ring-tailed Lemur vs. Platypus in Battle Summer Squash. White-cheeked Gibbon vs. Pancake Tortoise in Battle Lobster. Oh the excitement. The winning species would be given rations of bourbon and cigarettes and then set loose in the Nick Nolte Urban Squalor Exhibit where they could barter with downtrodden celebrities for blankets and medical supplies.
And the season finale would be the episode that brings down the house: Tom Sizemore vs. Baboon in Battle Circus Peanut. I hope the Baboons bring their A-game, because you can bet your bottom dollar that when everything starts to go south, Sizemore will be throwing poop at anything that moves.
Anyone with a penchant for observing a covey of alabaster Brits preening one another on a rocky outcropping got their money’s worth, but patrons longing for a more realistic zoo experience left somewhat unfulfilled. Eventually most people ambled over to the Monkey Pit where it was business as usual: drunken teenagers lobbing circus peanuts at the baboons and then running for cover when the baboons retaliate by throwing poop. That didn’t happen once with the humans. And as everyone knows, it isn’t really a day at the zoo until someone starts throwing poop.
Even though excrement was never hurled, I tip my hat to the zoo personnel for giving it a go. It’s not every day that management utters these words: “Let’s strip Nigel naked and stick him in with the wallabies for a few days.” Hopefully this is just the first of many new displays at the London Zoo, and I intend to do my part by offering up a few suggestions. With or without poop, I think these ideas may get the turnstiles spinning.
Exhibit A: More humans - sort of Left alone in the simulated wilderness of the Micronesian Rainforest Exhibit, how effectively would an ombudsman forage? I don’t know. More importantly, I don’t care. What would the Creature from the Black Lagoon do in the same situation? And what if all he could find to eat was a Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza from Papa John’s? Now there’s something I want to see.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and I think he has quite a bit to teach us about our primordial underpinnings. As an added bonus I’d finally see what happens when someone eats a Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza from Papa John’s. Or maybe not. You’d have to be pretty darn hungry to actually stomach one of those, and the Creature may just jump the barricade and eat the ombudsman instead.
Exhibit B: Reality TV Night at the Penguin Pool It seems like a good idea to get fans of reality television together in one spot where we can keep a close eye on them.
Exhibit C: Celebrity Prison Sentence I certainly agree that celebrities who do the crime must do the time, but why punish their fans for every little indiscretion? Had Martha Stewart been sentenced to amble about the Mixed Grass Prairie Exhibit in her housecoat and ankle tether, just think of the sponsorship dollars. I’m sure Kmart would have been sniffing around this project.
Another spin on Celebrity Prison Sentence would be to build a new exhibit befitting each celebrity, like creating the Nick Nolte Urban Squalor Exhibit. Still another option would be to erect the Robert Downey Jr. exhibit and just fill the space with Tom Sizemore or Winona Ryder whenever Mr. Downey is out on appeal.
Exhibit D: NASCAR Appreciation Day in the Reptile House See Exhibit B. Same reason.
Exhibit E: Battle Sweet Potato What brings a crowd together faster than you can say Thinly Sliced Sea Bream with Smoked Organs? That’s right: Iron Chef. Instead of placing humans in a wilderness setting, animals would be placed in a domestic environment: Kitchen Stadium from Iron Chef. Onlookers could watch species pitted against one another in a cook-off for culinary supremacy. Ring-tailed Lemur vs. Platypus in Battle Summer Squash. White-cheeked Gibbon vs. Pancake Tortoise in Battle Lobster. Oh the excitement. The winning species would be given rations of bourbon and cigarettes and then set loose in the Nick Nolte Urban Squalor Exhibit where they could barter with downtrodden celebrities for blankets and medical supplies.
And the season finale would be the episode that brings down the house: Tom Sizemore vs. Baboon in Battle Circus Peanut. I hope the Baboons bring their A-game, because you can bet your bottom dollar that when everything starts to go south, Sizemore will be throwing poop at anything that moves.